It's been a minute. I took last week off writing, as I was up in the woods of Maine. Recharge time is necessary, and it was definitely a nice reset away from the stress and uncertainty of the film industry strikes. However, writing is my release, and with the absence of it, my brain tends to fill up to the brim. At the moment, it's cluttered with scrambled thoughts and feelings I haven't had the chance to sort through just yet. I figured it was time for a good old diary entry to talk out, and maybe start to process, some of the bigger emotions and concepts that have been consuming my brain lately.
I talk about loss, spirituality and religion a fair amount in this piece, so if any of those are not fit for you to read at the moment, please only take from this writing what you need, and skip over what you don't. I only ever want my writing to help fill your cup, not drain it. Take care of yourself. <3
Loss.
a reflection dedicated to Anthony "Tony" Cipullo
Last weekend, I lost my uncle, completely out of the blue. He was a beautiful person, father, husband, brother, uncle, friend, and sports enthusiast. Through the family time and services that followed his sudden passing, I've been thinking a lot about loss. What it leaves behind, why it happens, lifetimes, changes and legacies. Whether you have time to prepare for it or it comes out of nowhere, loss holds an overwhelming gravity that is unmatched by anything else I've experienced. It's all consuming and natural and surprising and cruel all in one. The finality of it all is what hits the hardest. Loss is one of the few things in life that truly gives you no do-overs, no last words, and that's been the hardest thing for me to grasp every time I've experienced it.
Over the past few years, I've been through many different forms of loss. There's physically losing someone, when they pass and move on to whatever you believe comes next. There's also loss that doesn't mean death: falling off with a friend or going through a breakup and losing a relationship that may have lasted months or years; graduating college and losing the special life you lived for those four years; missing out on a job or a trip, and as a result losing opportunities to explore and grow as a person. No matter what exactly is lost, there's always a grieving process. I lost my grandmother ten years ago (actually, yesterday was her birthday. Happy Birthday Mana <3), and there are certain aspects of her passing that I have only begun to process just now - as I was only thirteen when she died and didn't fully understand the weight of death. Although it's been so long, there is always a level of sadness that rests at the back of my brain, and then, on a random day, will sweep to the forefront of my thoughts. I'm a nostalgic and sentimental person, and when waves of buried memories come over me, sometimes it feels like I have to process everything all over again. And that's okay. A quote that has helped me process says (in summary) that a large part of grief is figuring out what to do with all the love you had left to give that you can no longer give that person directly (Jamie Anderson). Sometimes I just have to sit in the hurt, the love and the memories in order to move through the grief, and that's completely natural.
I'm a big believer in feeling all of the feels that you need to. There's no need to rush grief. It's okay to be gentle. It's okay to be breakable. Everyone processes at a different speed, and it's not a race. However long it takes you to move through grief is the right amount of time. Know your boundaries and take care of yourself. I tend to find peace in memories and photographs, and sadly I've fallen off with capturing photos since the pandemic started. I really don't have many pictures from the past three years, especially with my loved ones. I'm going to make that a priority going forward, so there's always a memory to look back on. If you're in the process of grieving someone or something lost, I'm sending you lots of healing and warm thoughts. It's not easy, and you're going to make it through. Take your time. You're going to be okay.
Spirituality.
Sometimes it bothers me that I'm not totally sure what I believe in. I was raised nonreligious, and I don't believe in God - at least not in the way that Christianity represents "Him" - but I definitely believe in something. I believe in the power and flow of the universe, and Mother Nature doing her thing to keep us on the right track. I believe in the stars (love me some astrology), and the beauty of nature. I believe in science, and at the same time I believe that spirituality can bring comfort where science can't. I don't really know what any of it all means, and I don't need to just yet. I'm still in the figuring-it-out phase. (If you haven't already been able to tell, this section is going to be a very rambly stream of consciousness.)
I had such an aversion to spirituality and religion for so long. For one, it wasn't part of my life growing up, and I just didn't understand it. Secondly, I'm queer, and the part of my family that is religious is largely Christian, and I felt disconnected from Christianity due to my sexuality (although I never, ever felt disconnected from my family, which is important to me to say, and I am so lucky and grateful for that). I'm also not a fan of the church. A couple of times growing up, we'd go to Easter mass before celebrating with family, and I never got it (that's the best way I can describe it). I always felt so out of place and uncomfortable in a church pew. My dad, however, was raised Catholic, and I think spirituality has been on the brain more than usual this week because of the services for my uncle (my dad's brother), who was also Catholic. I sat in church all of Wednesday morning (which is out of the norm for me) and thought about my uncle. It was the first time I've sat through a service since beginning my ~spirituality journey~ (if you want to call it that), and for the first time ever, I really listened to the preacher. Hearing the speaker talk about love and loss, it made me wonder if whatever we choose to believe in - or not believe in - are all just very similar ideas under different names.
I think I had to come to the conclusion on my own that spirituality is a part of me. I've always loved the familial aspect of religion, even though I've never gone to church or anything. By that I mean that I love how holidays like Christmas, Passover and Easter bring family together in one place, and those traditions will always be important to me. I started to be interested in figuring out my own beliefs when I studied abroad in Italy in 2020 (not to be like ~study abroad changed me~ but also...if traveling doesn't change you at least a little, what was seeing new places and experiencing new things really for?). While I was there, I often found myself comforted by photos of the Madonna that were on basically every window, in a way I'd never been comforted by anything religious before. I think I liked it so much because of the emphasis on Mary, as opposed to Jesus or God. The focus was on the mother, the woman, the strength in being feminine, and that I could understand. I'll always remember walking home alone at night in Perugia, being a little freaked out because it was so dark and late, and then I'd see a photo of the Madonna on a random store window and immediately relax. I'd think "she's got me. I'm good."
It was weird, at first. I thought, if I've spent so long believing God isn't real, how is Mary suddenly comforting to me? But three years of discovery and processing later, I've come to a conclusion that it really just doesn't matter to me what's real and what isn't. They're all just stories, whether you believe them to be nonfiction or fiction. I find comfort in the Madonna and her stories - and in the stories of Venus, Athena, Mother Nature, etc (I love my goddesses) - the same way I find comfort in re-reading Charlotte's Web and Peter Pan (my favorite children's stories). If something brings you comfort and a sense of calm, it really doesn't matter whether said thing is real or not.
Like I said, this is really just a stream of consciousness, and I'm not sure how much sense it will make to someone else. It feels very vulnerable to share, and I'm not even sure how much I actually did share about my specific beliefs (I mean, I don't even have all the specifics figured out yet). I never - and I mean NEVER - foresaw myself openly discussing my spirituality at all, so even this is a good start. I'll leave it at this...Coming from someone raised nonreligious and who discovered spirituality as an adult, you are allowed to take bits and pieces of what you understand and agree with from different religions and stories and put together your own spirituality, if that is something that is important to you. You are allowed to write your own story. Spirituality doesn't make me dumb or weak or gullible, but rather whole and comforted, and I'm excited to keep discovering more as I go along. If you're open about your spirituality and/or religion, please send me a message about how those things show up in your life. I'd love to know.
PS: If your spiritual journey sounds similar to mine, and you're interested in diving deeper, I highly recommend Emma Chamberlain's "Anything Goes" podcast episodes titled "do we need religion?" and "my spiritual journey." They're super interesting and definitely made me think a lot about all of this!
Gratitude.
I'm working on expressing my gratitude more outwardly and obviously. I'm definitely big on words of affirmation when it comes to affection and expressing my love for my family and friends, but I don't often express when I'm grateful for normal, everyday happenings - at least, not so much anymore. For the first couple months of 2022, I made a point every morning to write down three things that I was grateful for in my journal, before the day really even started, so I could begin each day with a positive mindset. I was looking through that journal earlier today, and it made me realize that I need to start a gratitude list again. There truly are so many small things to be grateful for all around me all the time. After the heavier topics at the beginning of this entry, I thought I'd wrap up today with some of the small bits of life I noted down in my journal last year, to end things on a positive note.
I'm grateful for...
The heating in our house
My mom gifting me plants for the apartment
Making & eating pizza for dinner with Ofi
Friends to watch Marvel movies with
Chocolate milk
Getting my film photos back from CVS
Music, especially in the morning
Ofer
Cold water
Handwritten letters and cards from friends
Therapy
Sleeping in
My emotional support water bottle
Education
My cute little workout set that makes working out that much more fun
Beans
The sound of rain
Winding down with Ofi in the evening
That list is compiled of bits I wrote down in January and February of 2022. Looking over that list now - almost a year and a half later - made realize just how much the little things in life really can bring joy. When I made a conscious effort everyday to look for and remember the moments I was grateful for, I started to notice amazing things everywhere. I think I'm going to start a gratitude list again, as it is clearly good for my mental health and mindset. If you start one too, let me know what you add to it! Maybe we can inspire each other to stay a little bit more grateful.
That was a heavy entry. There's been a lot on my mind lately. I'll try and lighten it up for next week, I pinky-swear. It may come as no surprise that I've been on a rather sad-girl-music kick lately, so, for the music rec of the week, I recommend "the way things go" by beabadoobee. It has campfire song vibes, and it's beautiful. I'd honestly call it more melancholy than sad. It makes me think about a lot of memories and pulls on different heartstrings every time I listen. Let me know if you listen :) I'll be back with another rec soon.
Until next time,
Cheech <3
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